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This is by far the most commonly asked question. When it comes to those diagnosed with ADHD, there is very little research available around how people with ADHD experience relationships. Those who are easily distracted might not seem to be paying attention to those they love. Their other half may feel constantly dismissed and may ask themselves why the other person behaves in such a way. In mental health, there is no one-size fits all as conditions can manifest differently from one person to another. For a better understanding continue watching the video, or continue reading this article:
Does ADHD affect my relationship?
You may be wondering why it is that within your relationship, there is no equal division of responsibilities. The partner of someone suffering with ADHD, may take on all the admin responsibilities or anything that involves careful planning. Dealing with symptoms of inattention and hyperactivity, may result in broken promises or risky financial decisions. People with ADHD could find it difficult to remain satisfied within relationships and can be stuck, feeling a constant need for change.
Most Common Challenges in ADHD Relationships
In long-term relationships, partners often complement each other. For example, if one partner with ADHD struggles with administrative tasks or maintaining a tidy home, they might delegate these responsibilities to their partner or hire help. In return, the partner may offer support in areas where the person with ADHD may be less organized or efficient.
While some couples with one partner having undiagnosed ADHD can enjoy long-lasting and happy relationships, challenges may arise, particularly after the initial honeymoon phase. These challenges can include:
Communication problems
Difficulty communicating thoughts and feelings clearly, hyper focusing on specific topics, and interrupting conversations can lead to misunderstandings and frustration. Partners may feel unheard or unable to fully express themselves. While individuals with ADHD often excel at problem-solving in the moment, they may struggle with long-term planning and follow-through. The other partner may feel unheard or that their feelings are dismissed, which can strain the relationship. This can be particularly challenging if the partner with ADHD remains undiagnosed.
Time Management
Time management challenges can manifest in various ways within a relationship. People with ADHD may struggle with punctuality, planning, and prioritising tasks. They might become overly focused on specific tasks, leading to delays in others, or become overwhelmed by complex projects. For example, a simple task like painting a wall might take months or even years to complete if the person with ADHD isn't particularly interested in the activity. Some may develop perfectionist tendencies or rigid routines as coping mechanisms, making it difficult to adapt to changes in plans.
Impulsive buying
Financial management can be a significant challenge for individuals with ADHD. Impulsive spending and a tendency to collect items without using them can lead to financial strain and conflict within relationships. This can be exacerbated by easy access to online shopping and fast delivery services. It's important to develop strategies to manage impulsive spending, such as creating a budget, avoiding impulse purchases, and setting financial goals.
Open communication with a partner about financial concerns can also help to prevent misunderstandings and maintain a healthy relationship.
Infidelity
Infidelity can occur in any relationship, but ADHD can exacerbate certain relationship challenges. Impulsivity, emotional dysregulation, and difficulty with attention can contribute to impulsive decisions, arguments, and misunderstandings, which may increase the risk of infidelity. The available research in this area is limited, however some research studies suggest there may be a link. ADHD can increase the risk of risky sexual behaviours. Early diagnosis and intervention, along with accessible healthcare and education, can mitigate these risks. Addressing impulse control and executive function challenges is crucial. Seeking timely professional help can significantly improve relationships.
Emotional Volatility
People with ADHD often thrive on problem-solving and quick decision-making. However, their impulsive nature and emotional volatility can sometimes lead to conflicts and strained relationships. While this approach might feel natural to them, it's important to recognise how it can impact others. To navigate these challenges, both the individual with ADHD and their partner can benefit from seeking professional support.
Forgetfulness and Inattention
Forgetting important dates, anniversaries, or simply neglecting tasks can strain relationships. People with ADHD may struggle with these challenges due to inattention. This can lead to misunderstandings, as it may seem like a lack of care or consideration. However, it's important to remember that this is often a symptom of ADHD, not a deliberate act of disregard.
With professional support, individuals with ADHD can develop strategies to improve their memory and organisational skills, fostering stronger relationships.
Rejection Sensitivity
People with ADHD can be highly sensitive to criticism, leading to defensive responses and withdrawal. This can create tension in relationships, as partners may feel like they're constantly walking on eggshells.
Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) is a relatively new concept in ADHD research. It suggests that individuals with ADHD may develop heightened sensitivity to rejection and criticism due to past experiences of social exclusion and possible past academic challenges.
ADHD, alcohol, and drug use. Is there a link?
Few people are aware that those suffering from ADHD are at a higher risk of alcohol and drug misuse. These addiction behaviours can be interpreted as ‘self-medicating’ untreated symptoms of ADHD. This behaviour, however, only becomes the rocket fuel in igniting the next argument or break-up. In some cases, the addiction itself can be secondary to undiagnosed ADHD and can improve or even resolve after receiving support for ADHD.
Why do people with ADHD forget important dates?
People suffering from ADHD struggle with time management. They may always be running late for important events or not turn up at all. Sometimes, they may even forget social events or anniversaries unintentionally, making their partner feel empty and disappointed. They may also find a new, exciting activity and simply hyperfocus on it, ignoring everything else. Sometimes they can even ignore their own basic personal needs.
Can ADHD cause divorce?
Like many other mental health conditions, ADHD can cause stress in the family life. Living with ADHD symptoms, especially if the condition is undiagnosed, can undoubtedly add to marital problems. There are also limited studies, suggesting that parents of children suffering with ADHD, can be at twice the risk of divorce. At the same time, some experts caution that it may not be fully accurate to argue that ADHD causes divorce. Some couples even believe that ADHD's more adventurous traits may be beneficial to their union. Although the quantity of available data is not great, seeking help for ADHD may improve relationships in the long-term, similar with any mental health conditions when are well managed.
Can I have a successful relationship?
Many people who date someone with ADHD say that their partner is spontaneous, enjoyable, creative, and fun. There can be advantages, particularly, when the couple are able to complement each other. For example, the partner or spouse who does not have ADHD completes the admin work and plans activities whilst the person suffering from ADHD, may have a successful career involving creativity, and risk-taking or they may be good at resolving problems on the spot. With the appropriate support for ADHD, relationships may become more sustainable.
What if ADHD is undiagnosed?
A partner with undiagnosed ADHD and is, therefore, not receiving treatment, makes the scenario worse. Even therapy might not be sufficient to reduce bitterness and hostility. A break-up can be more likely, the longer that the troubles are allowed to go on in a relationship. In unfortunate situations, the person suffering from ADHD may cause irreparable damage or become involved with the authorities. More recently, a link has been established between long-term physical health implications in people suffering with ADHD.
Any tips on managing finances in a relationship?
Arguments over finances are very comm in relationships. Impulsive behaviours and overspending can often result in conflict. People suffering from ADHD may end up spending more, investing significant sums of money in new hobbies, constantly make payments late, or paying the so-called, “ADHD tax”. This topic needs further explanation because it is not a straight-forward element of the condition. I would recommend reading my blog ADHD and Finances: A Difficult Relationship.
How can I help my ADHD partner?
It is necessary for people with ADHD to understand how their condition affects others and to learn how to develop sustainable relationships. However, it is equally crucial for their loved ones to be aware of the difficulties associated with ADHD and offer both support and compassion. Simply encouraging your loved one to seek help, can make a significant difference in your relationship.
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Important Strategies for Success
Navigating the complexities of a relationship involving ADHD can be challenging. If you're unsure where to start, seeking professional help is a great way to gain valuable insights and strategies. Remember, a successful relationship requires effort and understanding from both partners. Here are some tips to help:
Seeking support: Unsure if your relationship struggles are related to ADHD? Consider seeking professional help, such as a diagnosis assessment or couples/individual therapy. A qualified professional can provide valuable insights and strategies to improve your relationship.
Open Communication: Engage in open and honest conversations with your partner. Express your feelings and concerns calmly and respectfully. Be curious, practice active listening and validate their experiences.
Focus on Strengths: Not everything is doom and gloom, highlight the positive aspects of your relationship and celebrate achievements together. Utilise each other's strengths.
Celebrate Differences: See your partner's strengths as complements to your own. Remember, perfection is an unattainable goal. Striving for perfection can often lead to disappointment and frustration.
Empathy and Patience: Change takes time. Be patient with yourself and your partner as you work towards a healthier relationship.
Avoiding the drama triangle: Avoid victim, rescuer, and persecutor roles. Foster open communication on a one-to-one basis and mutual respect.
Is ADHD straining your relationships?
If you or your partner struggles with ADHD, you're not alone. Many of the symptoms, like inattention, impulsivity, and hyperactivity, can unintentionally create challenges in personal relationships.
Let's work together to break the stigma surrounding ADHD and build sustainable and healthier relationships! ❤️
Book your private ADHD assessment with a qualified private psychiatrist - Contact ADHD Specialist today!
References and more resources
Private ADHD Assessments in London & UK | adhdspecialist.com
Let’s Talk about Sex… and ADHD: Findings from an Anonymous Online Survey
Rate and predictors of divorce among parents of youth with ADHD - PMC (nih.gov)
Adult ADHD and romantic relationships: What we know and what we can do to help - PubMed (nih.gov)
Disclaimer: The information is not intended nor implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. All content, and information, contained in this article is for general information purposes only and does not replace a consultation with your own doctor/health professional.
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